My Father
by countrygirl21
Summary: Jane goes to visit Johnny's grave on his birthday.


I NEVER KNEW YOU, BUT I STILL LOVED YOU

_Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders; they belong to S.E. Hinton respectively. There is a tiny spoiler for a future chapter. Here you see why Jane is so hesitant to be with Peter._

My Father

Jane walked through the cemetery, looking at headstones and finally stopping at a grove of trees where Pony had shown her when they were here last. She knelt in front of the grave, gently laying the roses she brought down. She said a silent prayer then withdrew something from her pocket. She unwrapped the chocolate cupcake and set it on top of the headstone and set the candle in the center of it, taking out a lighter she lit it. Stepping back she sat down on the grass beside the headstone, gently tracing the words. "Happy birthday, Daddy."

Despite the sun shining brightly, she shivered and pulled the lightweight jacket tighter around her. Normally she couldn't stand being in or around cemeteries. But for her dad, she would swallow her discomfort and see him today on his birthday. She wiped away a tear she didn't realize was there, he would have been forty-one today. It didn't seem fair he died so young, before she ever knew him outside of what her mother and now the guys told her. She kept trying to remember the belief she was brought up with; that everything happened in the world for a reason and fate had a plan for all. 

But she couldn't; deep inside she was still that little girl who would look around her class come Parent's day and would see all the proud daddies, praising their son for being such a good student or their daughter for being so smart. Her mother had been a good mom and did all she could to give her what she needed. Even dated one or two men she thought would be a good father to Jane, but they never panned out. 

At night when all was asleep, she would sneak the picture she found of her father out, and would wish he was there. And some nights, she would cry herself to sleep, either some kid at school was mean to her or she just wished her dad was there. As a kid she had him pictured like a knight in shining armor; she wondered when she got older if the reason why was because she had needed one. Especially after their attack and they moved down to Georgia; cultural shock had been an understatement for the three New-York born kids. 

She traced the letters that made up his name and with her voice thick with tears she whispered, "Hi, Daddy. I'm sorry I didn't get here for your other birthdays." Tears she didn't bother to wipe away fell down her cheeks. 

"Daddy, I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner. I wanted to so bad I couldn't stand it, but I couldn't." She ducked her head, almost like she could feel his eyes on her and see her shame. "I'd lie and say I got busy with my life, you know, trying to get Mikey settled and everything. But, I'd be lying if I did. I was afraid." 

She lifted her head looking overhead and gave a short, humorless laugh. 

"I was afraid you moved on with your life. That you forgot all about mom and had a wife and kids. That if I came here, you'd turn me away and wouldn't want me here." 

She looked back at the stone, "I was afraid you wouldn't want me. I had one man I loved turn me away. I couldn't stand the thought of my own father doing it too." 

She ducked her head, taking a breath before she spoke. "I never told you about Bruce did I?" 

She looked back at the headstone, thinking she should feel silly talking to a headstone, but oddly enough; she felt a strange peace enter her, not even her talks with Sam had ever put her had ease like this. 

"Bruce was my fiancé, about six years ago. We were going to get married. But I told him I may or may not have a future medical problem, he turned away. He said he didn't want to be saddled with a woman that may or may not have something wrong with her in the near future." 

She felt her chest begin to hurt, she wouldn't admit it, but it cut her to the core to have him do that. 

A sob caught in her chest as she looked at the blurry stone, "It hurt so bad when he told me that. I gave him my ring back and I promised myself then, I'd never let another man hurt me the way he hurt me. That I would never let another man have that much of me to hurt again. I guess that was the real reason why I couldn't bring myself to find you til now." She leaned her head against the cool granite, "I thought about coming out here a hundred times, but every time I just kept thinkin' about what Bruce said and I couldn't stand it if you thought it was true too." She gave a limp shrug. 

"I mean, if my own father didn't want me, what did I have going for me?" 

She had never be the type to be suicidal; homicidal, yes. 

Suicidal? No. 

But at that time in her life, she had been so fragile if he had rejected her too. Well, she definitely would have been entertaining some thoughts then, and none of them would have been good. 

She looked down at the stone and traced the words etched there. "I love you, Daddy. Just so you know, were ever you are. If your in the next world or if reincarnation is real, out there some where. I love you. I always will." She kissed her fingertips and laid it over his name. 

She laid there til the sun had fallen well below the trees and the candle wax in the cupcake had melted into the cake. She sleepily looked around, startled to realize she had dozed off at some time since only the barest of sunlight lit up the ground around her. She combed her hair from her face and stiffly got up off the ground. She looked back at the stone and gave a sad smile, "Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you." 

She started to walk away when she heard the sound of feet approaching her. She warily turned around and saw Sam standing there. Tears running down her face and Jane knew then she had been here the whole time she had. Watching over her like she had always done; whether it was wanted or not. 

Jane wiped her face, feeling the dry remains of her earlier tears and cleared her throat, "You heard?" She nodded, then silently opened her arms; just like she had done ever since they were little. Jane went straight to them, and to her discontent, began to cry again. 

"I miss him, Sammie. I miss him so damn bad it hurts. If it's possible to miss someone you never really knew, I'm there." 

Sam held her and wiped her hair and tears from her face, showing her own tear-streaked face. 

"I know, Janie. I know it, I'm there. I there with you every damn day. Everyone in this place can tell me my Daddy was a sorry, no-good hood and all that." She leaned her forehead against hers. 

"But he was my Dad. He may not have been there for me in body, but I knew he was there. He there when I thought I was going crazy some days. He was what kept me sane during those days my whole world was crashing down around me. I know exactly where you coming from, Jane. I'll be there every step of the way for you." 

Jane lifted her head and gave a small laugh and the first real smile all day. "Just like you've always been. Whether it's wanted or not." They both shared a laugh at that, both knowing it was just how Sam was, she was there for those she loved, no matter what it cost her.

Jane looked up at her cousin that had been more like a sister to her and thought of all the times she had been there for her. Whether it had been a bully on the playground or cover for her to sneak out at night as a teenager to meet her boyfriend. 

"If I never told you before Sam, but thanks. Not just for being my cousin, but for being the sister I've always thought you were and being the best friend I could ask for." She smiled down at her and put an arm around her shoulders, "Come on, let's head home." She smiled down at her, "First one to the car drives home." And a second later, she was tearing off to the car. Jane shook her head, but a second later was tearing off after her, feeling a breeze run over her face. And she took comfort in the presence, and for a spilt second she thought she heard the wind whisper back to her. 

"_I love you too, baby girl." _

_Thank you for your reviews. And I'd like to dedicate this story to my Daddy. _

_Randy: 8/14/54-3/23/06; taken from us too soon._


End file.
